The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You ruined the universe
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
