the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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