So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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