My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
