I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Let's get the cat blown out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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