If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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