i was born a porn star she said
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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