She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize