During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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