grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just threw up on my dentist
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
