How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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