life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
