dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
