It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He better not be in your backpack
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
