The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
soo... how was my night?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize