I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize