sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
