hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
