My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
