come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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