My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
