i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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