i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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