I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
