I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
