She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
