So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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