life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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