im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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