I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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