Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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