I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
