I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
