I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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