There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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