Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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