True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
