the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
