can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
