I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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