Your face is a jimmy john
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
