The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
