My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize