I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
