Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
