why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
