I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
