Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
