there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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