recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
