I'm gonna have a badass scar
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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