Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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