Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
