happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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