I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
