i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need a beard to bite.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I have post one night stand depression
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
