just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We're using joints as your birthday candles
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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