remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
