The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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