gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
